cutyoucutyoucutyoufrommyheart

Sometimes you're so coy and sly and I fucking hate you for that.
Sometimes I love you so much that it hurts.
Sometimes I want to fucking cut you - so deep that you bleed out all over my feet.
Sometimes you make me ashamed and guilty and young.
Sometimes I want to crush your fucking bones under my heels and tear your flesh with my teeth.
Sometimes I feel nothing toward you.
Sometimes I mock you + your pathetic ways.
Sometimes I wish that we had never met, despite our pre-disposed paths crossing time and again.
Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes.


Sometimes I feel too hard, sometimes I feel too little.

Most of the time I want to stop feeling at all.

Are you waving or drowning?

I don't know what to do about you.


It's sink or swim........................

GLASS

It has come to my attention that I err on the dark side of life.
Why do you always see me as "on" when all I want to do is hide.

It hurts that we can't get past this - but really, neither of us are above or beyond it.

I loved you, I hate you.

for fear of failing

Do you have the time - is there enough for me to follow?
Could I possibly ever fall in love with you?
Am I holding back or is it just-not-there?
Could I ever go through with it?
Will you resent what you love - eventually?
Will you ruin me - like maybe I want you to?
Can you break this open and take the pain from my chest?
Would my confession send you to your death?
Can you save me from drowning within myself?


Will there ever be silence inside of me?
Would you ever forgive me for this?
Do you even have a choice?


Blood.

....she....speaks....

Finally....she speaks.




And my heart is still aching.



All these months gone, in one mere encounter.



Watch the minutes of my life  - light, bright, sight away.



Paralysed by a fear of the new, the unknown, struggling to stay afloat.



Deeper and deeper I regress - into myself.

Into my hurt.

Into my head.



This is going to kill me. [andImgoingtoletit]



Let's see blood and be done with this.
 

Anton.

It's Anton's birthday tomorrow.

RIP babeh.

xx

CTRL+C CTRL+V

I can't...

Don't, please baby, don't.

I can never be happy for you while you're with him.

You wouldn't be happy for me anyway. Without you.

Neither are you.

No, you're right. I'm not at all. I'm fucking appalled, mortified, more so disgusted.

Does he make you happy?

Yes, very happy.

Did I?

Some times. Not at the end. Neither of us did.

I love you so much, Charley Girl.

+ I, you.

You are a part of me.

So is he.

           is offline.

..........................................

[The Lord bless you and keep you


The Lord lift His countenance upon you

And give you peace and give you peace

The Lord make His face to shine upon you

And be gracious unto you be gracious

The Lord be gracious gracious unto you

Amen]

WHITE WASH

Your heart races
palms liquify - strain to look into my hooded eyes

[it's so dark in here]

blink away the salt+ crash through these solid walls - pull me closer to your chest

[.d.e.s.i.r.e.]

I'm looking away - staring at the white walls + wishing myself blind

I"m blinking away tears and 6 years of resentment.

I'm holding my breath - just let me sink into you + forget the waves crashing inside of my head

There's just not enough silence to make me still.

[how can I swallow this when I can't even breathe? I'm lost in you, so lost in you.]


[how can I swallow this when I can't even breathe? I'm lost in you, so lost in you.]

CONVERSATION.

"Hello? Chi?"

"Hey Charley Girl"

"What's up baby? Why are you whispering - oh fuck - are you kidding me? You can't be serious."

"I'm sorry"

"Chi Chi - what's wrong - why are you doing this?"

..................sobs......................

"I can't do this - I'm not at home, I'm with him right now."

"Ok Charley girl - I just...." [cries]

"Baby, I love you"

Disconnects.......................

CONVERSATION

CONVERSATION:

2:17AM

"Charley?"

"Yeah Babe?"

"Are you really in love with him?"

"No, but I'm getting there."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he is ev..."

"I don't want to know"

"Ok, sorry."

2:29AM

"He doesn't have me the way that you did, baby"

"But, he still has you"

"So did you"

"Yeah - I did"


2:39AM

"I love you"

....................................................

"Charley?"

"I know baby, I know. It's going to be ok."

COTTON LAKE

Push this ink into my skin
leave your mark
you're permantely elusive to me
i need something to remember you by.....
when I wake and you are yet again, gone

Floating up and away.
I am dissolving
falling
everything I once resolved to give away
now awash in black, grey.

push harder, deeper,
make your mark inside of me
i want to scream for you .T.O.U.C.H.M.E.
pull me against you - hold me tighter, longer
breathe me into your skin
and swallow me whole

i am restless, turning, aching for you.


it's never enough to quench my ravenous thirst.

SICKCIS

There are some things that I am feeling that I shouldn't be feeling.

I am with someone that loves me. adores me. Tell me the most beautiful and loving things all the time. So why do I feel like I WANT more. NEED more. It's not that said person ISN'T giving me enough. I've always had this addiction to fucking things up just when they are getting good.

I'm trying - I'm trying to be content. To not search through the crowd for eyes looking my way. I'm trying not to cry on the phone when my ex gf phones me crying herself.

I am so sick of myself.

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.

BLACKEST NIGHT.

I carved your name into my leg.

Feeling the time pass me by.

I feel like shit. I haven't posted a blog in ages, on here anyway.
I don't know who reads this anymore. I don't realy give a fuck - as far as I am concerned, if you read my shit, you're looking for trouble.

My ex is dating another girl. I am still in love with her. Which sux becuase I know the girl that she is dating + think she is pretty gross + ugly. Ugh. I can't stand her.

A friend of mine died on Saturday morning. I figured out last night that I was about 3KM from where he was when the accident happened on Friday. It really pisses me off because there are other people in the world that DON'T deserve to be alive. He on the other hand, does. He was so GOOD + kind + caring. I've phoned his g/f every day since I found out. She's really struggling. They got back together about three days before it happened + he was about to go to Melb this week to see her. Fuck the world. Seriously. It things like this that make me think God either does not exist or is a complete cunt. His brother had to fly back from Tokyo to be there when they turned the life support off. I fly back to Brisbane [I'm in Adeliade] on Friday morning + his cremation + wake is on Friday afternoon. Dave is going to take me. I was going to leave here early if the funeral was earlier. It hasn't hit me, being in Adeliade, around my family, it hasn't sunk in. I really want to find the picture of him + Mehaf at the Overalls party at my house. He was wearing my bright bannana yellow overalls with a huge grin on his face. That to me captures everything I knew about him. Fuck. I can't imagine what his family are going through. I feel sick to the stomach about it.

In other news, Dave + I booked out flights to the Us. I had a momentary spin out + almost pulled the plug, but I know that I DO want to do this - especially with him. I've fallen for him so much over the last two weeks. Since my birthday pretty much. There is still hesitation there on my behalf. It is so different seeing a guy. There are silences that i am not used to. Space and time is so different. It's hard to explain - obviously if you've had a gf vs a boyf you would understand. Sometimes it makes me feel empty.

I'm freezing. I need to catch a bus home [to my sister's] + I have no idea how. Ha.

Life could be worse.

RAVISH

Sometimes I can smell you on my hands, on my breath.
And I become confused, disorientated - it has been hours since I kissed you - hours since I tasted your mouth upon mine
Hours since you laid your hands upon me - face turned toward me.
Opening your heart, letting down the walls - vunerable and ravished

Maybe you left your trace on my skin - imprinted upon me, yourself so that even when I wasn't near you, I would remember you.

The ghost of your touch.

I don't know how to forget you, and trust me, I've tried.

FOR-GIVEN

These wrists turn,

Your eyes are glazed, laced with disapointment.

Bones are easily broken, time can atest to this.

Hearts heal - I can atest to this.

Forgive me, my love.

Forgive me, this broken promise.

CUNT

Fuck you for not being there for me when I need you the most.
Fuck you for not caring that this is the biggest thing I've had to face + I'm facing it alone.
Fuck you for wanting to live with me when you needed an out then not even respecting me enough to tell me that you didn't need it anymore. You fucking cunt.
Fuck you for being an alcoholic.
Fuck you for being a drug addict + all round failure.
Fuck you for being nothing worth looking up to.
Fuck you for hurting me.
Fuck you for not trying hard enough to make this right between us.
Fuck you for dumping on me when YOU want.
Fuck you for being a two faced, lying bitch.
Fuck you for touching me.
Fuck you for creating so much drama that EVERYONE is sick of you but are too afraid to tell you.
Fuck you for EVER coming into my life.
Fuck you for spelling my name wrong.
Fuck you for making me doubt myself.
Fuck you for your guilt.
Fuck you for your manipulation.
Fuck you for being male.
Fuck you for the five years I've wasted loving you. I fucking hate you + wish you were dead.
Fuck you for lying/cheating/stealing.

FUCK YOU FOR BEING EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE.

Fuck you.

CHI CHI

Insignifigant, sufficient.
Disasterous + unwarranted.
Cold flush a poisonous fever flows, ebbs+ fades away.

What is this fear?
Anothers mouth - anothers eyes.

You said I look so pretty when I cry.

VIABLE AIR

There was a moment - where you made my heart trip.
Your weight upon me, pressing me down, downdowndown
your heart beating - into my chest - out of synch with mine
a kiss upon the head, three spoken words - my name the punctuation.


the bridge is flooded and I cannot return home.


This city is blanketed by the sky, heat oppressive
we stand amongst three nations of people

I am breatheless, the heat robbing my lungs of viable air,
whispering into your ear, my final words - iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

My lips on the pulse in your neck
breathing you into my lungs
you surround me, around me....

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

BILLOW.

Another moment passes, head between thighs - trying to catch my breath
Dizziness won't pass before your return - see me sprawled upon the hard wood floor
gasping and wet from memories that collapsed my lungs
A viscous assault to the senses, ribs creaking, cracking - snap, snap goes the green stems.
[can you hear them tearing apart? your anger is wasted on this]

This dam is breaking down
God Damn - Breaking Down
trunks of trees and bamboo bridges are sodden
pushed upon this hand rail - blocking the easy flow of fresh water
that I tramp through - returning from you.

I walk home in the sunshine, straight from your bed
I sleep in the best of your presence
a safety beyond a history of violence
a safety - beyond your grasp

It's the same old story
watch my eyes - no tears?
I won't cry and you think me hardened
you've no idea,
you've none.
This is no victory.

I can break this - I can billow this timber
swell with water
I can break this heart - just watch me.



[with light there is hope]

LETTY.

Could you breathe?
A breath of me fills lungs beyond capacity - alot to swallow
Inhale the possibility - of becoming fulfilled
an addiction beyond my years and beyond your grasp

I could fall in love with you.

If you would only let me.

Chi Chi.

I know that you're reading this and I want you to know that I miss you. Alot. I think about you everyday and wish that things had turned out differently. I'm writing this here becuse I can't contact you directly and say this. It hurts us both too much. I don't want to hear from you. I don't want you to hear from me. I'm healing and I know that you are too and I know that we can't heal together. I talked about losing you for the first time today. I've told people the surface story but today I talked. I let go a little bit more. I cried for you. For losing you. I felt differently about the situation we're in. I am still hurting, but it's different. Ever since that day not too long ago, something shifted inside of me. I let go of you a little more. I made a lot of mistakes, and for that I am so very, very sorry. You deserved better.


You will always have my heart. One way or another. I think in time, a long way from now, we can see one another in another light. I love you. So very much. It still consumes me. You are the most beautiful person that I have ever known. You changed my life. You saved my life from destruction again and again. You changed the way I loved. You changed my mindset. You helped me and healed me. You showed me that trust can exist. You restored my faith in humans. You sewed me back together from every tear that he had made inside of me + I made on my own skin. I can't thank you enough for that.


I miss you. I love you. I hope that you're ok. I hope for the best for you. Because you deserve it.


Wake me up if you need anything. xx

KISS CHASEY.

Tonight, when I was standing on my tiny square verandah, saying my goodbyes, I heard the sonic sounds of a plane, upon looking up we saw a jet - speeding above us followed closely by another.


CONVERSATION:


"Oh"
"There is another one"
"Maybe they're playing chasey"
"Kiss chasey"


I fell a little further underneath those stars for the second night in a row.

Lips upon lips - kiss chasey.

DELVE.

It gets to the point where there is no return. Should I take a breathe and delve myself in this? Brown skin against crisp white sheets. Black hands on denim, grey. I curl my body around you absorbing your heat, bringing me back to the surface. Drawing me out of this spun cocoon. There is so much there. even more than I want to acknowledge. Every time we see one another, I see subtle changes in body language, demeanor, the walls crumbling down. Lingering with fingertips. I am wary, cautious of your care.


Can I go back on everything I've worked for in the last 5 years?


The past continues to rear it's ugly fucking head and punch me in the chest, breathless my heart leaps and become sickened with the thought of those hands on another. Yet, I shy away from tying myself down. I'm hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Has anything really changed in me at all. Can I take it for what it is and learn to not take this for granted. I find it so hard to trust, the nicer you are, the warier I become. Jaded with a hatred that once choked me. This stupid fucking broken heart that I carry around with me, previously strewn across this city.



Soon, it will all come out. I'm waiting for the reaction.



I am drowning from the rush of blood to my chest.
Put your hand to my heart and apply some pressure.
Can you feel the starlight lingering in my blood stream from the evening prior?
They fell amongst the dew and anchored themselves into my heart.
I'll adorn my walls with your youthful traits, tag your name on my heart.
End every sentence with a full stop.
Take it as it comes.
Hope, and with hope there is life.

SWOON.

I like the way you hold me.

Arm's length - drawing breath.
I like the way you hold me - left handed - stranded in the rough waves of your tender heart.
My body is quickening, liquefying
A callous softened - a shoulder turned toward my small embrace,
and you, warm skinned, quiet voice - make me swoon with gladness.
Slower than before - + it's taking a hold of me.


You're taking a hold of me - and I like the way you hold me.

GREY.

[tell metostoplookingIswearIwon'tchangeathingthewhitehasfadedandIamfullupofgreygreygrey.]

You took my whole, my entire hole.
Lit the flame watch the white burn.
You filled him up and pushed him out.
I saw you double, wither from my hold
Now you're empty.
I've paid my due-I rescued you.
It's too late
Screaming won't won't cut these white gold rings.
Slave, slavern.
A grey hood.
Hides the red. [heartpinnedtomychest]

Replace my black with your white.

Replace my fate with your life.

SOUL.

I'm watching the camera, watching you take my picture.
Pondering on superstition that it will take part of my soul.

You can have it, it's worthless to me.

It's all fucking worthless to me.

SUFFOCATE.

Everyone that I ever sleep with sleeps so close to me. As though they are trying to get everything they can from me before I leave. I toss and turn, restless, suffocating. Red eyed, blaring. Waking at one. Not able to sleep with anyone this close to me. An eternal curse. The closer you move to me the closer I move away. Paralysed by your need. Repulsed by your heat.

So when I feel empty, hollow at one in the morning, Stifled by your hand on my back and your breasts flush against my bare skin, I've only myself to blame.

I've only ever had myself to blame.

SLEEP.

I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I hate you.
I am so tired and I can't see.I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I can't see.
I can't see.
I can't sleep.

Fucking kill me.

The screaming inside of my head won't stop.

I just want it all to stop.


Everything is nothing.

LUNGS

A grey palour, dark eyes
I couldn't forget you if I tried
Not Enough.
Time.
To Breathe.
I'm moving to live in the Lungs of Europe
Kiss me goodbye, my one true love.

IT IS.

It's not the people that do the horrible things.
It's not the people that cause the problem, that leave ripples within the soul of others.
The people that have nothing to live for.
It's the people that feel too much, too hard, too often.
It's the fragile ones.
It's the ones that scream for help - + the noise is deafening inside their own head.
It's the people that ARE loved, cared about.
It's the people that will be missed.

It's me.

FIRE.

I was roused from my Champagne/Beer/Bacardi + sleeping tablet coma this morning by my smoke alarm. They really do save lives. C + A came over last night. We got drunk - swallowed some sleeping tablets + all passed out. Well, C went home + passed out on his toilet. One of the candles was left burning. I thought about how ironic it would have been had I have died from a house fire. How ironice that after all the years I've spent trying to kill myself and I go and die an accidental death. My question was - would she forgive me? There is blood on my sheets again. I cut myself before A + C came over. Absentmindedly. There was no workup this time, as there was last. It's from her though, I could feel it welling up inside of me. This great loss, a masked red pain. I've left my fingernails red to remind me of all there is inside of me that has yet to be purdged. I feel myself getting better then something happens, a phone called of tears, a birthday, a piece of clothing that smells/belongs of/to her. The cutting was reminiscent of Penrsoe street. Cutting myself in the bathroom with a straight razor when J + L were over - sitting on my huge Verandah talking about life, my life, how they can help me get better while I am cutting in secret in the stained glass window bathroom with the claw foot tub. Bleeding away their sincere care. Cutting out their worry + turmoil over what to do with me. I thought of how amusing it was that it was specifically fire that I was going to die from as only last wednesday night I had written about how I wanted to set my entire apartment on fire. I wanted to burn everything away + start afresh. Breathe in the amoke and float away, alone, at last.
I am still plagued by him. It makes me think of Jennifer and Jack and the way she killed herself. I would do it for him. Because of him. One last time. I will never have him again + I am broken for life.


On Monday night I lay with my nose in someone's neck + my lips on their pulse. It was the first time since her. I didn't sleep once the entire evening, but it is the closest I have come to falling in love with someone's smell. The closest I have come to thinking that maybe I can get on with out her.


Then I think about this morning - + how I was not panicked at all. I stood, watching the flames, thinking - I can let this go. I can go back to bed now + it will all be over. The pain, the cutting, the hiding out in my apartment lest I see her. It would have been so easy to let it take it's own course and take hold.

Just imagine.

BUSSES NO BUSSES.

Some days are better than others.
This morning was one of the "others"
The pit in my stomach - it still hits me in the heart when I wake up and remember that you're gone.
When does it get better?
Have I not healed at all?
Why am I still crying?
I am surrounded by loving friends and it cannot fill this emptiness where you once lay.
After everything that you put me through at the end.
I still miss you more than life itself.

Am I dying slowly?

Or just preparing myself for death itself.

BURN.

These hands of hers - hands bound with string
fingers that flow with gold ribbons
the softest of caresses
and the sweetest scent - a glimpse of heaven
milk skin white teeth
white hair - white heart
full of light
and sculpted gaze.


I cannot live like this- you burn me - you blind me.

{I would rather not live, than live without you Chi Chi.]

CAFFEINE

+ you're waiting for the sun to rise
drag yourself from your bed and the caffeine hit won't hide those bags
you're dragging round town with you
City Centre but you're still feeling alone
enough is enough and you're not it
you're crying yourself to sleep and wasting your time
to love someone who has a frozen heart is still love - all the same
She's the same as she always was when she slit her throat three days ago

Where are you going to sleep tonight?
I know you're craving her sliced arms.
Where are you going to sleep tonight?

You can stitch up the pieces but they'll come back apart
you can't sew fast enough to hold this bitch together.

HOPE.

Hope is a funny thing.
Just when I was least expecting it - it rushed up on me this afternoon and threw itself all over me, just like a new puppy, with warm puppy breath and hot sandpaper tongue.
Saying - I love you - I'm here - I love you - I'm all yours.

Friday night was a wake up call. I need to STOP. I don't deserve to feel like that, like this.
I love - too much often enough. I sabotage, I dramatise, I break easily.
I have trouble letting go, letting off, letting it be.
I have trouble with you, like you have trouble with me.

It's strange what can trigger hope - optimism -perseverance.
Seeing someone at a bus stop - talking to a stranger.
Listening to a song - learning another's life.
Just BEING.

But hope is what I have.
Friday night was a complete write off - and now it's Tuesday.
It's now, not then.

EMPTY.

I am so empty.
I am so empty.
I am so empty.
I am so empty.








Fill me with something to live for.

WHITE.

Put your mouth on my mouth
Hold yourself above me
Drive away this emptiness that guts me
Blind me, drown me in the whiteness of you
Cleanse me, I feel so tarnished with the weight of this.
Stumbling, blinded by headlights, crashing to the filthy floor.
Walking - enter dark street, enter restless, careless, love less.




Hopeless.

DRIVE

My heart is a mess,

So I walk, unsteady to the nearest cab - Butterfield street - the memories within the word, erupt within me.

I walk - climb into your window shoes off.walking walking -searching for some human warmth,

The cab slows - behind a white Suburau,

I realise too ate that we are passing your house,

The car inn front of me is yours

My heart clenches,

Where have you been?

Who have you seen?

Do you think of me?

Can you escape me?

The way that I can't seem to escape you?
I see you, pulling into your drive, knowing that you dislike cars behind you,

Knowing you better than anyone else,

Knowing eventually someone will replace me, will love you,

Healthily, totally, knowingly.

So I cry + break + hope, that in my emptiness, that you may feel whole.

LOSS

I would love to be able to take myself less seriously.

To stop trying to chase the people that push me away.

To stop pushing away the people that chase me.

I wish that I could let go.

I wish I had the courage to leave the house alone, to gather enough strength to leave these confines and do the things that I need to do in order to ever get well again.

To walk through the streets without being afraid.

Or stop crying over spilt soy milk, dried bones.

More than anything, I wish that you could read this and know, just how much I need you to survive. Please, please give me back my heart.

TWIST.

White heat bursts through my chest, travels down through my stomach and ignitnes between my thighs. I am twisting, burning, melting at the seams. Candle wax past it's thresh hold. I am twisting into you. My mouth wet and hot. I am twisting into you, as you are twisting into me.

MIRROR.

You want great passion, a lust that is inconceivable.
Incurable. Incorrigible.
You want Romeo and Juliet, someone to die for.
You want what you've once already had, you've had what ruined you for years,
ruined you for any others that came your way.
You want Bloodlust + blood rust
A token of your appreciation, a black eye for your troubles.
You want victimisation, cruelty, you want to die for something, some one, some time soon.
You push your nose into my throat and inhale, breathing me into you,


"Shall I walk you to the door, Beeb?"


I stiffen my body, I want you gone - I need to be alone,
I step back, stiffen my mouth, my head screams "LEAVE"
As soon as I have you, as soon as I gave it up, I want it back.
I don't want this, you, anything.
I am tired of want.








A glimpse in the mirror and I take four steps backwards,
Really, I just want to be alone, without her I am nothing.

CONVERSATION.

One hundred reasons why you should never, ever fall in love with me.

3:57PM







So, how have you been?
Ok
Ok? Just ok?
Yeah - you know.
No I don't know - that's why I'm asking.
Well, I've just been ok.
Hmm - I don't believe you.
Well I've missed you alot.
Hmmm.
How have you been?
Yeah, really good, I've been working really hard on this Fashion Parade and it is making me feel alot better about myself. People are being really supportive.
I'm really happy for you. So - how's your love life?
Ha - yeah as complicated as ever, you know what I'm like, I get close enough to someone and the next thing you know, I freak out and try to ease things off.
You still miss Ellie.
Desperatly. Excrutiatingly. Horribly. She is my phantom limb.
Have you seen her?
Not as much or in the way that I would like. some days I think I hate her, but it's just bitterness, she taught me to love again. I don't hate her, I love her, am still IN love with her.
Ahhh - so you have met someone?
Yes - More like some few people....haaa.
Tell me about it.
Are you sure you want to hear this?
Yeah, not really, but I think it might help.
How, by hurting you more?
Hurting me, making me realise that you don't feel the way that I do.
_____, I'm
No, tell me, I need to hear this.
So I was dating ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I thought that you had met someone.
What made you think that?
I hadn't heard from you.
That wasn't why.
Why then?
You know why.
I'm sorry about what I said last night.
Yeah, well it doesn't matter now.
It does.
Why? It doesn't make a difference to me. You're my friend. I can't
You don't want to be with me.
No, I don't want to be with you.
Ahhh.
I can't...
Can't what.
Give you what you want. I can't BE what you want. It's not me. I wouldn't be being true to myself, or you for that matter. I will never be in love with you.
The way that i am with you.
You don't even know me.
I know you enough to know how I feel.
You want me because you can't have you.
I want you because I love you.











4:22PM











So what are you going to do?
Leave, I'm leaving.
Ok.
What?
don't you think that's a bit much?
Well I can't keep living like this.
Like what?
Unhappily.
Then change it.
I can't.
You can't change what?
You, I can't change your mind.
No, you can't change my mind. It's not YOU, you know. You in particular. It's me, wanting something in particular.
A female.
Yes, a female.
A particular fema\le?
Other than my ex? No, not really - I'm just drifting along. Trying not to hurt anyone else.
I'm going to miss you.
Yeah, I'm going to miss you. You make me laugh alot and we've been incredible.
I wish,
Don't.
Sorry.
It's ok - I have to go now though.
Do you need a lift?
No, I'm meeting some friends.
Ahh - do you need a lift there?
No, but thank you.











4:38PM












I love you.
I know - Goodbye. Thank you for coming over.
do you want to have dinner later?
No, I can't. You know I can't.
Ok - well.
Bye ____
Bye Charley. I love you.
Bye ____

UNTITLED.

MY FAN IS CLUNKING AWAY IN THE CORNER,
PEN ETCHED ON MY HAND,

There's too much here, too much to get a straight answer,
I am full up of pain, full up of Vodka, there's too much at my door, breaking it down.
All of my sheets are ruined, coagulating, calculating, calloused.
I miss you so much that I've forgotten what it is to feel,
So I break my skin to remember - it does nothing to bring you any closer.
You're a million miles away, one street away, a life time away.

This is killing me.

RUINS.

The moon sways my mood like nobody's business. Every full moon I'm the same and I NEVER learn. The tears, the mood swings, the agoraphobia - it all comes back. Last night I was drinking at work with this girl that I am "seeing" + got really, really drunk, sent a bunch of messages to a girl who I fucked over, whom is barely talking to me and then caught a cab to my actual ex's house, whom I still love and probably am still in love with [who am I kidding?] - wtf? Am I really that STUPID after drinking so much? As if she could make me feel any better. we sat outside the front of her house in the hammock - literally shooting the shit. The shit being my slow decline into being a mental case and drinking too much. I ended up running [literally] away from her - down the street and to my house [we live one street away from one another, how fucking peachy] she followed me in her car and I hid behind some stupid car/bush? so she couldn't see me. All I wanted to do was hold her + smell her. All I wanted was to be hers/there with her for one more night. I guess knowing that I'll never have that makes me want it even more. I hate seeing her. It just fucking ruins me.

So I've gotten Turpentine happening, with the help of a lovely girl. That should be enough, right? Wrong. The hole in my chest is ever widening. + I'm keeping her around because I can't stand the thought of being by myself, knowing full well that being by myself is the only thing that is going to make me feel any better in the long run.

I'm climbing the fucking walls.

So, there really is no conclusion, other than I am a fucking retard and I am pushing the boundaries harder than even I know better than to do. It's going to snap, how much more will she tolerate from me before she walks away and I have to start all over again? I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be the one to "ruin" her, as she says.

GLUE.

Sometimes I think I see you. A glimpse of black hair, bobbed. Indie dress with cons and a rolley in your hand. It's impossible though, wishful thinking? You don't even live here anymore. Maybe I should get on a plane + find you. Bring you back with me? Maybe we would hate one another? God knows I've broken enough hearts lately. Maybe I should leave and never come back. Sometime I know that I will see you again. My heart will jump and my breath will stop and you will smile + walk over to me like nothing has happened, like nothing has passed between us, terse, passionate, bewildered. The things I gave up for you seem so trivial now. It all seems so trivial now. I will be safe in the knowledge that I will never, ever in this life time undestand anything about our relationship. The games you play with me. The way you control my physical responses. You're the hardest button to button.

Sometimes I look for you, knowing safely that you're really miles away.

VEINS

I won't be to bed for a long time now, but you could sleep to envy the dead.
Dreams weren't so tempting until you found me, floundering in my own sick head.
Suffocating in dreams that make you sweat, puncture your sleep, wet your sheets.
I am the best of both of us at fucking up the right, it's taking over, a guiless smile.

Oh Baby with your Milky White Teeth, don't you know that I am the one that got is all so hellishly wrong, right from the start?

All the rosaries in the the worlds above my bed won't bring me back from messing with the dead.

BLOODLUST

Raise The Curtain, Begin The Show.

I'm sleeping in my own blood caked sheets, sobbing in the shower, to breathe would be wonderful, but seemingly too much to ask. I'm lying to make you think I'm ok. I'm lying to make myself look in the mirror. You're getting older now, you should be past this. The razor feels so heavy in my clenched fist. The mud and blood on my feet coagulate and the Earthy shades of red and brown appease me. The hole in my chest widens + the dam breaks forth. A phone call from a million miles away and another life time won't save me. You won't save me. I can't save myself. The hole widens, creaks open snapping ribs + I plunge, headfirst into the old, destructive, bloodlust life.

Worthy Worry Weary Waiting.

I'm not a prize to be won. Neither of you are better than the other. Do you think that you are? Do you think that you could be? Once you've won, what then? I'll be yours? I've never been any ones. I don't trust and am not to be trusted. I don't even love myself, how can I love you?

You are suffocating me. You are destroying me. You are repulsing me. Your need is devastating. Willing to put up with my behaviour regardless of my choices.

I made a choice.

I MADE A BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.

I am so full of mistakes and my nose keeps bleeding. I'm lying down in these sheets where you both have lain.
I am awash with guilt. I am awash with pleasure.

It's not enough and it's too much all at once.
I am forcing this too much that it's going to break.

I have you both crying in my arms in a single night.
What the fuck can I do?

You still think that I am something worth winning?

How wrong you are.

Hate is a four letter word.

I know that you're reading this and I want you to know that I hate you.

I hate you for loving me. I hate you for letting me use you, hurt you, fuck you. I hate you for letting me control you, own you, destroy you. I hate you for letting me in again and again and again. I hate you for blurring the lines. I hate you for constantly complaining, whining, whinging. I hate you for letting me fall, for letting me suck you in. I hate you for falling in love with me. I hate you for the fact that I fell in love with you, however brief and blind that was. I hate you for your self-depreciation, victimisation and grief. I hate you for your height, the moth ball of your breath and the clothes you wear. I hate you for having the friends that you have. I hate them, too. I hate your ex - she's a fucking cunt, just like you. Just like me she fucked you over. I hate you for your loyalty to me, the pressure you put on me to have sex with you. I hate your mouth, your eyes, your hands on me. I hate your smell, your car, your stupid fucking shoes [kicks], your materialistic life. I hate your Matryrdom. I hate your father, as I hate mine.

I hate you _______.

I fucking hate you.

Relief Bleeds Remorse

You know, I don't feel any relief at all. I thought, well hoped, that I would. I thought I would feel it rush through me like venom in a snake's mouth. Anaesthetising me. Coating the words with numbness. No such luck. I feel remorse, sadness, but no relief. I still feel torn, as though I have made a mistake. Either way - I didn't want to give up either of them. I didn't want to turn my back on either of them. Oh Uh Huh Her Hurting.

I look into her blue blue blue eyes and see the hardness forming behind them, that will develop more and more over the years. The cynicism that I now carry within me. Her heart is so pure and untainted, I sit across from her, watching her face fall as she realises why I have come to meet her, why I look so tired, worn, beaten down, weary. Ahhhh she says, the word escaping her mouth as a sigh. I've been fucking exhausting myself trying to make this end in a way where no one gets hurt. She looks me in the face and says oh well - I can put this down as experience, I groan outwardly and cast my eyes down, ashamed that that is what I have become to her. I don't want to walk away.

[In my mind I tell her I don't mean it, I want to be with her, and then I kiss her on the mouth.] In reality, I get up, put my hand on her arm and say quietly, I'm sorry, ______. She walks me to the door, I place a kiss on her cheek, aiming for her mouth, she turns her face. Ahhh - that hurt.

I walk down the hill, away from her, looking back twice. But she's gone.

The Crust Of Mourning.

Draw lines over my body. Separate + segregate. Highlight the best parts of me, not the sickness, not the disease. Only the good, whole, strong pieces. The parts that will make me feel whole, good, true. The goodness that I can't see. Colour the bad in black, so that it disappears and I can't see it anymore. Erase it. Erase that part of me. Syphon away, grate the edges, the crust of me. Find the warmth and nestle it to the safe, healthy sun to grow and expand and take over. Make the goodness consume me. Make me whole. Sharpen Desires Gradually.


The streets cast shadows on the street lights. Darkening their halogen bloom. I trip over tree roots, cracking through the pavement. It's not so dark that I can't see but I am rushing home, to an empty house, exhilarated with all that I have achieved tonight. I beat the monster that is my own mind and managed to escape. Rushing back to bite the hands that feeds me, an abused dog, forever loyal to it's master. She says that I am a sucker for punishment, I respond coolly "Perhaps then, that is why I fell in love with you, after all?" Evermore Chasing Blind Dreams.


Now there is someone else here, sharing my laughs with me. Sharing my bed, my dreams, fears and best of all - my HOPES. When I woke up next to her, for a moment I was shocked, anxious, for she is beautiful even with a face full of lines, imprints from my pillow. Her hair fanned beside her, Wide doe eyes. There is an innocence there that repels me, makes me want to protect her from myself and the darkness that is inside of me. The things that I have seen, the things I have experienced, have all become the very things that I wish to protect her from. She touches my arm and smiles. I feel dry and still want to sleep. But she is pulling me back to reality with her mouth, her eyes, the smell of her. Knowing that she was here, with me, ME, made me want to shout. Her burnt pink skin, expelling heat that I can feel from the other side of the bed, escaping from her arm that wraps me close to her. A heat that I find neither oppressive or uncomfortable. A heat that I feel both externally and internally. A heat that consumes. Mouthing Peace.


This city is dripping in memories of you.They are inescapable. It's been more than two years. Since I touched you, since I kissed you or mouthed you name with any kind of ownership. It's been so long, but I remember everything. Your smell, eyes, mannerisms. Your body, your breathe, your bravery. I've forgotten nothing. The angst, the abuse, the accusations. The love, the hate, the blood that was shed and the bruises hidden. The fucking teeth marks that remain on both you and I to this day. The things, utterances that came from my own mouth, to push you to the edge, to make you cry. To HURT you with. I remember them all. It sickens me, and I wish that I could forget. Close my eyes to it all. I wish that I could see you one more time, touch you with what love I have left for you. You are inescapable, in my blood, the very oxygen that I breath, you are the cancer in my lungs and the nightmares in my head. You are the one, the one, the one. I wander the streets, wondering if it could ever be OK between you and I, if one day, I will be happy that you are even alive. Your cold gaze tells me otherwise. I am yet to go a single day without thinking about you. It has been over four years and there you are, familiar and foreign. Justifying My Compulsions.

Liquid Heat.

I like to hear things that remind you of me.
Inanimate objects that make you think about me.
I like that you think of me at all.
I wonder, often - what is it that goes through your head?
I wonder, wandering past your street, what is the reason behind it all?
The kisses and heat and phone calls.
The day long silences. The ex factor.
Everything spins when I am with you,
Time flashes past and there is always somewhere else we have to be.
I'm working on, working up to telling you it's over.
I'm working on being strong, being forward.
Confessions spill from your mouth aided by your one true love.
Red red red wine, that stains your lips - my throat burns with Vodka.
You tell of your broken heart, how you know mine is in the same condition, perhaps worse.
I blink in the dark, starring at the ceiling, "perhaps" I reply. Your body moves, rustling the sheets.
You body heat melts my strong resolve. Your mere presence, weakens me.
Loneliness is the silent killer.
You tell me laughingly that you think I am your favourite.
The smile travels all the way to my finger tips and I touch your face, "ache"
And I don't believe a fucking word of it.


I am not a sole traveller, journeying through the YOUniverse.

Left.

LEFT

I've been and it's what you do with your hands.

LEFT

I've been and it's what you are - handed handed.

And it's what I've been.

Without you, within me.

My first New Years without you and you couldn't even find it within you not to contact me.

So I was in the arms of another. From another life, another time. I know this one. I can control this situation. No feelings. No care. Nothing. Because I found it within me to be the cold bitch that you are to me. Now I win, you lose.