FIRE.

I was roused from my Champagne/Beer/Bacardi + sleeping tablet coma this morning by my smoke alarm. They really do save lives. C + A came over last night. We got drunk - swallowed some sleeping tablets + all passed out. Well, C went home + passed out on his toilet. One of the candles was left burning. I thought about how ironic it would have been had I have died from a house fire. How ironice that after all the years I've spent trying to kill myself and I go and die an accidental death. My question was - would she forgive me? There is blood on my sheets again. I cut myself before A + C came over. Absentmindedly. There was no workup this time, as there was last. It's from her though, I could feel it welling up inside of me. This great loss, a masked red pain. I've left my fingernails red to remind me of all there is inside of me that has yet to be purdged. I feel myself getting better then something happens, a phone called of tears, a birthday, a piece of clothing that smells/belongs of/to her. The cutting was reminiscent of Penrsoe street. Cutting myself in the bathroom with a straight razor when J + L were over - sitting on my huge Verandah talking about life, my life, how they can help me get better while I am cutting in secret in the stained glass window bathroom with the claw foot tub. Bleeding away their sincere care. Cutting out their worry + turmoil over what to do with me. I thought of how amusing it was that it was specifically fire that I was going to die from as only last wednesday night I had written about how I wanted to set my entire apartment on fire. I wanted to burn everything away + start afresh. Breathe in the amoke and float away, alone, at last.
I am still plagued by him. It makes me think of Jennifer and Jack and the way she killed herself. I would do it for him. Because of him. One last time. I will never have him again + I am broken for life.


On Monday night I lay with my nose in someone's neck + my lips on their pulse. It was the first time since her. I didn't sleep once the entire evening, but it is the closest I have come to falling in love with someone's smell. The closest I have come to thinking that maybe I can get on with out her.


Then I think about this morning - + how I was not panicked at all. I stood, watching the flames, thinking - I can let this go. I can go back to bed now + it will all be over. The pain, the cutting, the hiding out in my apartment lest I see her. It would have been so easy to let it take it's own course and take hold.

Just imagine.