RUINS.

The moon sways my mood like nobody's business. Every full moon I'm the same and I NEVER learn. The tears, the mood swings, the agoraphobia - it all comes back. Last night I was drinking at work with this girl that I am "seeing" + got really, really drunk, sent a bunch of messages to a girl who I fucked over, whom is barely talking to me and then caught a cab to my actual ex's house, whom I still love and probably am still in love with [who am I kidding?] - wtf? Am I really that STUPID after drinking so much? As if she could make me feel any better. we sat outside the front of her house in the hammock - literally shooting the shit. The shit being my slow decline into being a mental case and drinking too much. I ended up running [literally] away from her - down the street and to my house [we live one street away from one another, how fucking peachy] she followed me in her car and I hid behind some stupid car/bush? so she couldn't see me. All I wanted to do was hold her + smell her. All I wanted was to be hers/there with her for one more night. I guess knowing that I'll never have that makes me want it even more. I hate seeing her. It just fucking ruins me.

So I've gotten Turpentine happening, with the help of a lovely girl. That should be enough, right? Wrong. The hole in my chest is ever widening. + I'm keeping her around because I can't stand the thought of being by myself, knowing full well that being by myself is the only thing that is going to make me feel any better in the long run.

I'm climbing the fucking walls.

So, there really is no conclusion, other than I am a fucking retard and I am pushing the boundaries harder than even I know better than to do. It's going to snap, how much more will she tolerate from me before she walks away and I have to start all over again? I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be the one to "ruin" her, as she says.