You know, I don't feel any relief at all. I thought, well hoped, that I would. I thought I would feel it rush through me like venom in a snake's mouth. Anaesthetising me. Coating the words with numbness. No such luck. I feel remorse, sadness, but no relief. I still feel torn, as though I have made a mistake. Either way - I didn't want to give up either of them. I didn't want to turn my back on either of them. Oh Uh Huh Her Hurting.
I look into her blue blue blue eyes and see the hardness forming behind them, that will develop more and more over the years. The cynicism that I now carry within me. Her heart is so pure and untainted, I sit across from her, watching her face fall as she realises why I have come to meet her, why I look so tired, worn, beaten down, weary. Ahhhh she says, the word escaping her mouth as a sigh. I've been fucking exhausting myself trying to make this end in a way where no one gets hurt. She looks me in the face and says oh well - I can put this down as experience, I groan outwardly and cast my eyes down, ashamed that that is what I have become to her. I don't want to walk away.
[In my mind I tell her I don't mean it, I want to be with her, and then I kiss her on the mouth.] In reality, I get up, put my hand on her arm and say quietly, I'm sorry, ______. She walks me to the door, I place a kiss on her cheek, aiming for her mouth, she turns her face. Ahhh - that hurt.
I walk down the hill, away from her, looking back twice. But she's gone.
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