Friay - not in love.

I had my first fresh ingredients today. Thanks to Eleanor picking me up an taking me grocery shopping. I had already created a 4 bean/tomato risotto but after going to IGA I thankfully had fresh bread - heaven. I think I was French in a past life.

This weekend was amusing. I went to Juggler's looking for someone that I shouldn't have been looking for. Someone that can't provide all of the answers despite wanting them to. Tara came along. We got drunk here, talked. In the 10 years that we've known one another we still talk to one another the same. Not much has change, vocabulary and age, yes, maturity yes. All the things that happen with time. But the way we interact hasn't change. Just an observation.
Jayne left for OS today. We've still not talked since fighting about rory. Fuck.
She knows me well enough to know that I wasn't going to bid her farewell unless she cracked first. I am more stubborn than she will ever be. Yet I am only doing this to punish her. make her realise that I am in control of this friendship, this situation. I am fucked in the head. The only reason I am doing this is because I feel out of control with everything else. I am more like my father than I give myself credit for [ nausea]

Friday night - oh Friday night.
Pretty sure that Owen saw a side of me that he did not like. I went home alone [blessedly] after kissing a friend of a friend. She is a lovely girl though and we are seeing one another once she has gotten back from her family holiday. I haven't been dragged into a hallway/staircase and kissed like that for years - YEARS. It was very exciting and refreshing.

I hate being single. Well, I hate being alone so much. I have never had this much difficulty being alone. I am happiest alone. With a book - that is all I need, until now. The agoraphobia is coming back. Without Eleanor around to coax me out of the house I am leaving less an less. Unless am drunk beforehand or on my way to drink. Then the day after I am so depressed that the thought of even leaving my room terrifies me. I can't even shower for fear, surely there is someone in my house waiting to knife me. Always a knife. Never a gun. a vicious cycle yes? Who would ever have thought that this freedom I have in this apartment would be the thing that traps me? It's big enough for me to breathe + not feel claustrophobic, yet big enough for me to see a million hiding places. Shriek.

My D key is STILL not working. I couldn't be bothered correcting the mistakes. Ha - how fucking Ironic. Too many mosquitoes + not enough incense. I broke my fish bowl trying to clean it last week an now my darlings are in a salad bowl with Toby [Elle's cat whom I am looking after for a few months] eyeing them off. They are as mental as ever - practically jumping out of the [salad] bowl everytime I walk near them.

Off to find another job. This is the first blog I have posted that states names.

Forgive me.