DRIVE

My heart is a mess,

So I walk, unsteady to the nearest cab - Butterfield street - the memories within the word, erupt within me.

I walk - climb into your window shoes off.walking walking -searching for some human warmth,

The cab slows - behind a white Suburau,

I realise too ate that we are passing your house,

The car inn front of me is yours

My heart clenches,

Where have you been?

Who have you seen?

Do you think of me?

Can you escape me?

The way that I can't seem to escape you?
I see you, pulling into your drive, knowing that you dislike cars behind you,

Knowing you better than anyone else,

Knowing eventually someone will replace me, will love you,

Healthily, totally, knowingly.

So I cry + break + hope, that in my emptiness, that you may feel whole.

LOSS

I would love to be able to take myself less seriously.

To stop trying to chase the people that push me away.

To stop pushing away the people that chase me.

I wish that I could let go.

I wish I had the courage to leave the house alone, to gather enough strength to leave these confines and do the things that I need to do in order to ever get well again.

To walk through the streets without being afraid.

Or stop crying over spilt soy milk, dried bones.

More than anything, I wish that you could read this and know, just how much I need you to survive. Please, please give me back my heart.

TWIST.

White heat bursts through my chest, travels down through my stomach and ignitnes between my thighs. I am twisting, burning, melting at the seams. Candle wax past it's thresh hold. I am twisting into you. My mouth wet and hot. I am twisting into you, as you are twisting into me.

MIRROR.

You want great passion, a lust that is inconceivable.
Incurable. Incorrigible.
You want Romeo and Juliet, someone to die for.
You want what you've once already had, you've had what ruined you for years,
ruined you for any others that came your way.
You want Bloodlust + blood rust
A token of your appreciation, a black eye for your troubles.
You want victimisation, cruelty, you want to die for something, some one, some time soon.
You push your nose into my throat and inhale, breathing me into you,


"Shall I walk you to the door, Beeb?"


I stiffen my body, I want you gone - I need to be alone,
I step back, stiffen my mouth, my head screams "LEAVE"
As soon as I have you, as soon as I gave it up, I want it back.
I don't want this, you, anything.
I am tired of want.








A glimpse in the mirror and I take four steps backwards,
Really, I just want to be alone, without her I am nothing.

CONVERSATION.

One hundred reasons why you should never, ever fall in love with me.

3:57PM







So, how have you been?
Ok
Ok? Just ok?
Yeah - you know.
No I don't know - that's why I'm asking.
Well, I've just been ok.
Hmm - I don't believe you.
Well I've missed you alot.
Hmmm.
How have you been?
Yeah, really good, I've been working really hard on this Fashion Parade and it is making me feel alot better about myself. People are being really supportive.
I'm really happy for you. So - how's your love life?
Ha - yeah as complicated as ever, you know what I'm like, I get close enough to someone and the next thing you know, I freak out and try to ease things off.
You still miss Ellie.
Desperatly. Excrutiatingly. Horribly. She is my phantom limb.
Have you seen her?
Not as much or in the way that I would like. some days I think I hate her, but it's just bitterness, she taught me to love again. I don't hate her, I love her, am still IN love with her.
Ahhh - so you have met someone?
Yes - More like some few people....haaa.
Tell me about it.
Are you sure you want to hear this?
Yeah, not really, but I think it might help.
How, by hurting you more?
Hurting me, making me realise that you don't feel the way that I do.
_____, I'm
No, tell me, I need to hear this.
So I was dating ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I thought that you had met someone.
What made you think that?
I hadn't heard from you.
That wasn't why.
Why then?
You know why.
I'm sorry about what I said last night.
Yeah, well it doesn't matter now.
It does.
Why? It doesn't make a difference to me. You're my friend. I can't
You don't want to be with me.
No, I don't want to be with you.
Ahhh.
I can't...
Can't what.
Give you what you want. I can't BE what you want. It's not me. I wouldn't be being true to myself, or you for that matter. I will never be in love with you.
The way that i am with you.
You don't even know me.
I know you enough to know how I feel.
You want me because you can't have you.
I want you because I love you.











4:22PM











So what are you going to do?
Leave, I'm leaving.
Ok.
What?
don't you think that's a bit much?
Well I can't keep living like this.
Like what?
Unhappily.
Then change it.
I can't.
You can't change what?
You, I can't change your mind.
No, you can't change my mind. It's not YOU, you know. You in particular. It's me, wanting something in particular.
A female.
Yes, a female.
A particular fema\le?
Other than my ex? No, not really - I'm just drifting along. Trying not to hurt anyone else.
I'm going to miss you.
Yeah, I'm going to miss you. You make me laugh alot and we've been incredible.
I wish,
Don't.
Sorry.
It's ok - I have to go now though.
Do you need a lift?
No, I'm meeting some friends.
Ahh - do you need a lift there?
No, but thank you.











4:38PM












I love you.
I know - Goodbye. Thank you for coming over.
do you want to have dinner later?
No, I can't. You know I can't.
Ok - well.
Bye ____
Bye Charley. I love you.
Bye ____

UNTITLED.

MY FAN IS CLUNKING AWAY IN THE CORNER,
PEN ETCHED ON MY HAND,

There's too much here, too much to get a straight answer,
I am full up of pain, full up of Vodka, there's too much at my door, breaking it down.
All of my sheets are ruined, coagulating, calculating, calloused.
I miss you so much that I've forgotten what it is to feel,
So I break my skin to remember - it does nothing to bring you any closer.
You're a million miles away, one street away, a life time away.

This is killing me.

RUINS.

The moon sways my mood like nobody's business. Every full moon I'm the same and I NEVER learn. The tears, the mood swings, the agoraphobia - it all comes back. Last night I was drinking at work with this girl that I am "seeing" + got really, really drunk, sent a bunch of messages to a girl who I fucked over, whom is barely talking to me and then caught a cab to my actual ex's house, whom I still love and probably am still in love with [who am I kidding?] - wtf? Am I really that STUPID after drinking so much? As if she could make me feel any better. we sat outside the front of her house in the hammock - literally shooting the shit. The shit being my slow decline into being a mental case and drinking too much. I ended up running [literally] away from her - down the street and to my house [we live one street away from one another, how fucking peachy] she followed me in her car and I hid behind some stupid car/bush? so she couldn't see me. All I wanted to do was hold her + smell her. All I wanted was to be hers/there with her for one more night. I guess knowing that I'll never have that makes me want it even more. I hate seeing her. It just fucking ruins me.

So I've gotten Turpentine happening, with the help of a lovely girl. That should be enough, right? Wrong. The hole in my chest is ever widening. + I'm keeping her around because I can't stand the thought of being by myself, knowing full well that being by myself is the only thing that is going to make me feel any better in the long run.

I'm climbing the fucking walls.

So, there really is no conclusion, other than I am a fucking retard and I am pushing the boundaries harder than even I know better than to do. It's going to snap, how much more will she tolerate from me before she walks away and I have to start all over again? I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be the one to "ruin" her, as she says.

GLUE.

Sometimes I think I see you. A glimpse of black hair, bobbed. Indie dress with cons and a rolley in your hand. It's impossible though, wishful thinking? You don't even live here anymore. Maybe I should get on a plane + find you. Bring you back with me? Maybe we would hate one another? God knows I've broken enough hearts lately. Maybe I should leave and never come back. Sometime I know that I will see you again. My heart will jump and my breath will stop and you will smile + walk over to me like nothing has happened, like nothing has passed between us, terse, passionate, bewildered. The things I gave up for you seem so trivial now. It all seems so trivial now. I will be safe in the knowledge that I will never, ever in this life time undestand anything about our relationship. The games you play with me. The way you control my physical responses. You're the hardest button to button.

Sometimes I look for you, knowing safely that you're really miles away.

VEINS

I won't be to bed for a long time now, but you could sleep to envy the dead.
Dreams weren't so tempting until you found me, floundering in my own sick head.
Suffocating in dreams that make you sweat, puncture your sleep, wet your sheets.
I am the best of both of us at fucking up the right, it's taking over, a guiless smile.

Oh Baby with your Milky White Teeth, don't you know that I am the one that got is all so hellishly wrong, right from the start?

All the rosaries in the the worlds above my bed won't bring me back from messing with the dead.

BLOODLUST

Raise The Curtain, Begin The Show.

I'm sleeping in my own blood caked sheets, sobbing in the shower, to breathe would be wonderful, but seemingly too much to ask. I'm lying to make you think I'm ok. I'm lying to make myself look in the mirror. You're getting older now, you should be past this. The razor feels so heavy in my clenched fist. The mud and blood on my feet coagulate and the Earthy shades of red and brown appease me. The hole in my chest widens + the dam breaks forth. A phone call from a million miles away and another life time won't save me. You won't save me. I can't save myself. The hole widens, creaks open snapping ribs + I plunge, headfirst into the old, destructive, bloodlust life.