Anton.

It's Anton's birthday tomorrow.

RIP babeh.

xx

CTRL+C CTRL+V

I can't...

Don't, please baby, don't.

I can never be happy for you while you're with him.

You wouldn't be happy for me anyway. Without you.

Neither are you.

No, you're right. I'm not at all. I'm fucking appalled, mortified, more so disgusted.

Does he make you happy?

Yes, very happy.

Did I?

Some times. Not at the end. Neither of us did.

I love you so much, Charley Girl.

+ I, you.

You are a part of me.

So is he.

           is offline.

..........................................

[The Lord bless you and keep you


The Lord lift His countenance upon you

And give you peace and give you peace

The Lord make His face to shine upon you

And be gracious unto you be gracious

The Lord be gracious gracious unto you

Amen]

WHITE WASH

Your heart races
palms liquify - strain to look into my hooded eyes

[it's so dark in here]

blink away the salt+ crash through these solid walls - pull me closer to your chest

[.d.e.s.i.r.e.]

I'm looking away - staring at the white walls + wishing myself blind

I"m blinking away tears and 6 years of resentment.

I'm holding my breath - just let me sink into you + forget the waves crashing inside of my head

There's just not enough silence to make me still.

[how can I swallow this when I can't even breathe? I'm lost in you, so lost in you.]


[how can I swallow this when I can't even breathe? I'm lost in you, so lost in you.]

CONVERSATION.

"Hello? Chi?"

"Hey Charley Girl"

"What's up baby? Why are you whispering - oh fuck - are you kidding me? You can't be serious."

"I'm sorry"

"Chi Chi - what's wrong - why are you doing this?"

..................sobs......................

"I can't do this - I'm not at home, I'm with him right now."

"Ok Charley girl - I just...." [cries]

"Baby, I love you"

Disconnects.......................

CONVERSATION

CONVERSATION:

2:17AM

"Charley?"

"Yeah Babe?"

"Are you really in love with him?"

"No, but I'm getting there."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he is ev..."

"I don't want to know"

"Ok, sorry."

2:29AM

"He doesn't have me the way that you did, baby"

"But, he still has you"

"So did you"

"Yeah - I did"


2:39AM

"I love you"

....................................................

"Charley?"

"I know baby, I know. It's going to be ok."

COTTON LAKE

Push this ink into my skin
leave your mark
you're permantely elusive to me
i need something to remember you by.....
when I wake and you are yet again, gone

Floating up and away.
I am dissolving
falling
everything I once resolved to give away
now awash in black, grey.

push harder, deeper,
make your mark inside of me
i want to scream for you .T.O.U.C.H.M.E.
pull me against you - hold me tighter, longer
breathe me into your skin
and swallow me whole

i am restless, turning, aching for you.


it's never enough to quench my ravenous thirst.

SICKCIS

There are some things that I am feeling that I shouldn't be feeling.

I am with someone that loves me. adores me. Tell me the most beautiful and loving things all the time. So why do I feel like I WANT more. NEED more. It's not that said person ISN'T giving me enough. I've always had this addiction to fucking things up just when they are getting good.

I'm trying - I'm trying to be content. To not search through the crowd for eyes looking my way. I'm trying not to cry on the phone when my ex gf phones me crying herself.

I am so sick of myself.

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.

BLACKEST NIGHT.

I carved your name into my leg.

Feeling the time pass me by.

I feel like shit. I haven't posted a blog in ages, on here anyway.
I don't know who reads this anymore. I don't realy give a fuck - as far as I am concerned, if you read my shit, you're looking for trouble.

My ex is dating another girl. I am still in love with her. Which sux becuase I know the girl that she is dating + think she is pretty gross + ugly. Ugh. I can't stand her.

A friend of mine died on Saturday morning. I figured out last night that I was about 3KM from where he was when the accident happened on Friday. It really pisses me off because there are other people in the world that DON'T deserve to be alive. He on the other hand, does. He was so GOOD + kind + caring. I've phoned his g/f every day since I found out. She's really struggling. They got back together about three days before it happened + he was about to go to Melb this week to see her. Fuck the world. Seriously. It things like this that make me think God either does not exist or is a complete cunt. His brother had to fly back from Tokyo to be there when they turned the life support off. I fly back to Brisbane [I'm in Adeliade] on Friday morning + his cremation + wake is on Friday afternoon. Dave is going to take me. I was going to leave here early if the funeral was earlier. It hasn't hit me, being in Adeliade, around my family, it hasn't sunk in. I really want to find the picture of him + Mehaf at the Overalls party at my house. He was wearing my bright bannana yellow overalls with a huge grin on his face. That to me captures everything I knew about him. Fuck. I can't imagine what his family are going through. I feel sick to the stomach about it.

In other news, Dave + I booked out flights to the Us. I had a momentary spin out + almost pulled the plug, but I know that I DO want to do this - especially with him. I've fallen for him so much over the last two weeks. Since my birthday pretty much. There is still hesitation there on my behalf. It is so different seeing a guy. There are silences that i am not used to. Space and time is so different. It's hard to explain - obviously if you've had a gf vs a boyf you would understand. Sometimes it makes me feel empty.

I'm freezing. I need to catch a bus home [to my sister's] + I have no idea how. Ha.

Life could be worse.