KISS CHASEY.

Tonight, when I was standing on my tiny square verandah, saying my goodbyes, I heard the sonic sounds of a plane, upon looking up we saw a jet - speeding above us followed closely by another.


CONVERSATION:


"Oh"
"There is another one"
"Maybe they're playing chasey"
"Kiss chasey"


I fell a little further underneath those stars for the second night in a row.

Lips upon lips - kiss chasey.

DELVE.

It gets to the point where there is no return. Should I take a breathe and delve myself in this? Brown skin against crisp white sheets. Black hands on denim, grey. I curl my body around you absorbing your heat, bringing me back to the surface. Drawing me out of this spun cocoon. There is so much there. even more than I want to acknowledge. Every time we see one another, I see subtle changes in body language, demeanor, the walls crumbling down. Lingering with fingertips. I am wary, cautious of your care.


Can I go back on everything I've worked for in the last 5 years?


The past continues to rear it's ugly fucking head and punch me in the chest, breathless my heart leaps and become sickened with the thought of those hands on another. Yet, I shy away from tying myself down. I'm hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Has anything really changed in me at all. Can I take it for what it is and learn to not take this for granted. I find it so hard to trust, the nicer you are, the warier I become. Jaded with a hatred that once choked me. This stupid fucking broken heart that I carry around with me, previously strewn across this city.



Soon, it will all come out. I'm waiting for the reaction.



I am drowning from the rush of blood to my chest.
Put your hand to my heart and apply some pressure.
Can you feel the starlight lingering in my blood stream from the evening prior?
They fell amongst the dew and anchored themselves into my heart.
I'll adorn my walls with your youthful traits, tag your name on my heart.
End every sentence with a full stop.
Take it as it comes.
Hope, and with hope there is life.

SWOON.

I like the way you hold me.

Arm's length - drawing breath.
I like the way you hold me - left handed - stranded in the rough waves of your tender heart.
My body is quickening, liquefying
A callous softened - a shoulder turned toward my small embrace,
and you, warm skinned, quiet voice - make me swoon with gladness.
Slower than before - + it's taking a hold of me.


You're taking a hold of me - and I like the way you hold me.

GREY.

[tell metostoplookingIswearIwon'tchangeathingthewhitehasfadedandIamfullupofgreygreygrey.]

You took my whole, my entire hole.
Lit the flame watch the white burn.
You filled him up and pushed him out.
I saw you double, wither from my hold
Now you're empty.
I've paid my due-I rescued you.
It's too late
Screaming won't won't cut these white gold rings.
Slave, slavern.
A grey hood.
Hides the red. [heartpinnedtomychest]

Replace my black with your white.

Replace my fate with your life.

SOUL.

I'm watching the camera, watching you take my picture.
Pondering on superstition that it will take part of my soul.

You can have it, it's worthless to me.

It's all fucking worthless to me.

SUFFOCATE.

Everyone that I ever sleep with sleeps so close to me. As though they are trying to get everything they can from me before I leave. I toss and turn, restless, suffocating. Red eyed, blaring. Waking at one. Not able to sleep with anyone this close to me. An eternal curse. The closer you move to me the closer I move away. Paralysed by your need. Repulsed by your heat.

So when I feel empty, hollow at one in the morning, Stifled by your hand on my back and your breasts flush against my bare skin, I've only myself to blame.

I've only ever had myself to blame.

SLEEP.

I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I hate you.
I am so tired and I can't see.I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I can't see.
I can't see.
I can't sleep.

Fucking kill me.

The screaming inside of my head won't stop.

I just want it all to stop.


Everything is nothing.

LUNGS

A grey palour, dark eyes
I couldn't forget you if I tried
Not Enough.
Time.
To Breathe.
I'm moving to live in the Lungs of Europe
Kiss me goodbye, my one true love.

IT IS.

It's not the people that do the horrible things.
It's not the people that cause the problem, that leave ripples within the soul of others.
The people that have nothing to live for.
It's the people that feel too much, too hard, too often.
It's the fragile ones.
It's the ones that scream for help - + the noise is deafening inside their own head.
It's the people that ARE loved, cared about.
It's the people that will be missed.

It's me.

FIRE.

I was roused from my Champagne/Beer/Bacardi + sleeping tablet coma this morning by my smoke alarm. They really do save lives. C + A came over last night. We got drunk - swallowed some sleeping tablets + all passed out. Well, C went home + passed out on his toilet. One of the candles was left burning. I thought about how ironic it would have been had I have died from a house fire. How ironice that after all the years I've spent trying to kill myself and I go and die an accidental death. My question was - would she forgive me? There is blood on my sheets again. I cut myself before A + C came over. Absentmindedly. There was no workup this time, as there was last. It's from her though, I could feel it welling up inside of me. This great loss, a masked red pain. I've left my fingernails red to remind me of all there is inside of me that has yet to be purdged. I feel myself getting better then something happens, a phone called of tears, a birthday, a piece of clothing that smells/belongs of/to her. The cutting was reminiscent of Penrsoe street. Cutting myself in the bathroom with a straight razor when J + L were over - sitting on my huge Verandah talking about life, my life, how they can help me get better while I am cutting in secret in the stained glass window bathroom with the claw foot tub. Bleeding away their sincere care. Cutting out their worry + turmoil over what to do with me. I thought of how amusing it was that it was specifically fire that I was going to die from as only last wednesday night I had written about how I wanted to set my entire apartment on fire. I wanted to burn everything away + start afresh. Breathe in the amoke and float away, alone, at last.
I am still plagued by him. It makes me think of Jennifer and Jack and the way she killed herself. I would do it for him. Because of him. One last time. I will never have him again + I am broken for life.


On Monday night I lay with my nose in someone's neck + my lips on their pulse. It was the first time since her. I didn't sleep once the entire evening, but it is the closest I have come to falling in love with someone's smell. The closest I have come to thinking that maybe I can get on with out her.


Then I think about this morning - + how I was not panicked at all. I stood, watching the flames, thinking - I can let this go. I can go back to bed now + it will all be over. The pain, the cutting, the hiding out in my apartment lest I see her. It would have been so easy to let it take it's own course and take hold.

Just imagine.

BUSSES NO BUSSES.

Some days are better than others.
This morning was one of the "others"
The pit in my stomach - it still hits me in the heart when I wake up and remember that you're gone.
When does it get better?
Have I not healed at all?
Why am I still crying?
I am surrounded by loving friends and it cannot fill this emptiness where you once lay.
After everything that you put me through at the end.
I still miss you more than life itself.

Am I dying slowly?

Or just preparing myself for death itself.

BURN.

These hands of hers - hands bound with string
fingers that flow with gold ribbons
the softest of caresses
and the sweetest scent - a glimpse of heaven
milk skin white teeth
white hair - white heart
full of light
and sculpted gaze.


I cannot live like this- you burn me - you blind me.

{I would rather not live, than live without you Chi Chi.]

CAFFEINE

+ you're waiting for the sun to rise
drag yourself from your bed and the caffeine hit won't hide those bags
you're dragging round town with you
City Centre but you're still feeling alone
enough is enough and you're not it
you're crying yourself to sleep and wasting your time
to love someone who has a frozen heart is still love - all the same
She's the same as she always was when she slit her throat three days ago

Where are you going to sleep tonight?
I know you're craving her sliced arms.
Where are you going to sleep tonight?

You can stitch up the pieces but they'll come back apart
you can't sew fast enough to hold this bitch together.