BILLOW.

Another moment passes, head between thighs - trying to catch my breath
Dizziness won't pass before your return - see me sprawled upon the hard wood floor
gasping and wet from memories that collapsed my lungs
A viscous assault to the senses, ribs creaking, cracking - snap, snap goes the green stems.
[can you hear them tearing apart? your anger is wasted on this]

This dam is breaking down
God Damn - Breaking Down
trunks of trees and bamboo bridges are sodden
pushed upon this hand rail - blocking the easy flow of fresh water
that I tramp through - returning from you.

I walk home in the sunshine, straight from your bed
I sleep in the best of your presence
a safety beyond a history of violence
a safety - beyond your grasp

It's the same old story
watch my eyes - no tears?
I won't cry and you think me hardened
you've no idea,
you've none.
This is no victory.

I can break this - I can billow this timber
swell with water
I can break this heart - just watch me.



[with light there is hope]

LETTY.

Could you breathe?
A breath of me fills lungs beyond capacity - alot to swallow
Inhale the possibility - of becoming fulfilled
an addiction beyond my years and beyond your grasp

I could fall in love with you.

If you would only let me.

Chi Chi.

I know that you're reading this and I want you to know that I miss you. Alot. I think about you everyday and wish that things had turned out differently. I'm writing this here becuse I can't contact you directly and say this. It hurts us both too much. I don't want to hear from you. I don't want you to hear from me. I'm healing and I know that you are too and I know that we can't heal together. I talked about losing you for the first time today. I've told people the surface story but today I talked. I let go a little bit more. I cried for you. For losing you. I felt differently about the situation we're in. I am still hurting, but it's different. Ever since that day not too long ago, something shifted inside of me. I let go of you a little more. I made a lot of mistakes, and for that I am so very, very sorry. You deserved better.


You will always have my heart. One way or another. I think in time, a long way from now, we can see one another in another light. I love you. So very much. It still consumes me. You are the most beautiful person that I have ever known. You changed my life. You saved my life from destruction again and again. You changed the way I loved. You changed my mindset. You helped me and healed me. You showed me that trust can exist. You restored my faith in humans. You sewed me back together from every tear that he had made inside of me + I made on my own skin. I can't thank you enough for that.


I miss you. I love you. I hope that you're ok. I hope for the best for you. Because you deserve it.


Wake me up if you need anything. xx