HOPE.

Hope is a funny thing.
Just when I was least expecting it - it rushed up on me this afternoon and threw itself all over me, just like a new puppy, with warm puppy breath and hot sandpaper tongue.
Saying - I love you - I'm here - I love you - I'm all yours.

Friday night was a wake up call. I need to STOP. I don't deserve to feel like that, like this.
I love - too much often enough. I sabotage, I dramatise, I break easily.
I have trouble letting go, letting off, letting it be.
I have trouble with you, like you have trouble with me.

It's strange what can trigger hope - optimism -perseverance.
Seeing someone at a bus stop - talking to a stranger.
Listening to a song - learning another's life.
Just BEING.

But hope is what I have.
Friday night was a complete write off - and now it's Tuesday.
It's now, not then.

EMPTY.

I am so empty.
I am so empty.
I am so empty.
I am so empty.








Fill me with something to live for.

WHITE.

Put your mouth on my mouth
Hold yourself above me
Drive away this emptiness that guts me
Blind me, drown me in the whiteness of you
Cleanse me, I feel so tarnished with the weight of this.
Stumbling, blinded by headlights, crashing to the filthy floor.
Walking - enter dark street, enter restless, careless, love less.




Hopeless.

DRIVE

My heart is a mess,

So I walk, unsteady to the nearest cab - Butterfield street - the memories within the word, erupt within me.

I walk - climb into your window shoes off.walking walking -searching for some human warmth,

The cab slows - behind a white Suburau,

I realise too ate that we are passing your house,

The car inn front of me is yours

My heart clenches,

Where have you been?

Who have you seen?

Do you think of me?

Can you escape me?

The way that I can't seem to escape you?
I see you, pulling into your drive, knowing that you dislike cars behind you,

Knowing you better than anyone else,

Knowing eventually someone will replace me, will love you,

Healthily, totally, knowingly.

So I cry + break + hope, that in my emptiness, that you may feel whole.

LOSS

I would love to be able to take myself less seriously.

To stop trying to chase the people that push me away.

To stop pushing away the people that chase me.

I wish that I could let go.

I wish I had the courage to leave the house alone, to gather enough strength to leave these confines and do the things that I need to do in order to ever get well again.

To walk through the streets without being afraid.

Or stop crying over spilt soy milk, dried bones.

More than anything, I wish that you could read this and know, just how much I need you to survive. Please, please give me back my heart.

TWIST.

White heat bursts through my chest, travels down through my stomach and ignitnes between my thighs. I am twisting, burning, melting at the seams. Candle wax past it's thresh hold. I am twisting into you. My mouth wet and hot. I am twisting into you, as you are twisting into me.

MIRROR.

You want great passion, a lust that is inconceivable.
Incurable. Incorrigible.
You want Romeo and Juliet, someone to die for.
You want what you've once already had, you've had what ruined you for years,
ruined you for any others that came your way.
You want Bloodlust + blood rust
A token of your appreciation, a black eye for your troubles.
You want victimisation, cruelty, you want to die for something, some one, some time soon.
You push your nose into my throat and inhale, breathing me into you,


"Shall I walk you to the door, Beeb?"


I stiffen my body, I want you gone - I need to be alone,
I step back, stiffen my mouth, my head screams "LEAVE"
As soon as I have you, as soon as I gave it up, I want it back.
I don't want this, you, anything.
I am tired of want.








A glimpse in the mirror and I take four steps backwards,
Really, I just want to be alone, without her I am nothing.