I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I hate you.
I am so tired and I can't see.I am so tired and I can't sleep.
I am so tired and I can't see.
I can't see.
I can't sleep.
Fucking kill me.
The screaming inside of my head won't stop.
I just want it all to stop.
Everything is nothing.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
LUNGS
A grey palour, dark eyes
I couldn't forget you if I tried
Not Enough.
Time.
To Breathe.
I'm moving to live in the Lungs of Europe
Kiss me goodbye, my one true love.
I couldn't forget you if I tried
Not Enough.
Time.
To Breathe.
I'm moving to live in the Lungs of Europe
Kiss me goodbye, my one true love.
IT IS.
It's not the people that do the horrible things.
It's not the people that cause the problem, that leave ripples within the soul of others.
The people that have nothing to live for.
It's the people that feel too much, too hard, too often.
It's the fragile ones.
It's the ones that scream for help - + the noise is deafening inside their own head.
It's the people that ARE loved, cared about.
It's the people that will be missed.
It's me.
It's not the people that cause the problem, that leave ripples within the soul of others.
The people that have nothing to live for.
It's the people that feel too much, too hard, too often.
It's the fragile ones.
It's the ones that scream for help - + the noise is deafening inside their own head.
It's the people that ARE loved, cared about.
It's the people that will be missed.
It's me.
FIRE.
I was roused from my Champagne/Beer/Bacardi + sleeping tablet coma this morning by my smoke alarm. They really do save lives. C + A came over last night. We got drunk - swallowed some sleeping tablets + all passed out. Well, C went home + passed out on his toilet. One of the candles was left burning. I thought about how ironic it would have been had I have died from a house fire. How ironice that after all the years I've spent trying to kill myself and I go and die an accidental death. My question was - would she forgive me? There is blood on my sheets again. I cut myself before A + C came over. Absentmindedly. There was no workup this time, as there was last. It's from her though, I could feel it welling up inside of me. This great loss, a masked red pain. I've left my fingernails red to remind me of all there is inside of me that has yet to be purdged. I feel myself getting better then something happens, a phone called of tears, a birthday, a piece of clothing that smells/belongs of/to her. The cutting was reminiscent of Penrsoe street. Cutting myself in the bathroom with a straight razor when J + L were over - sitting on my huge Verandah talking about life, my life, how they can help me get better while I am cutting in secret in the stained glass window bathroom with the claw foot tub. Bleeding away their sincere care. Cutting out their worry + turmoil over what to do with me. I thought of how amusing it was that it was specifically fire that I was going to die from as only last wednesday night I had written about how I wanted to set my entire apartment on fire. I wanted to burn everything away + start afresh. Breathe in the amoke and float away, alone, at last.
I am still plagued by him. It makes me think of Jennifer and Jack and the way she killed herself. I would do it for him. Because of him. One last time. I will never have him again + I am broken for life.
On Monday night I lay with my nose in someone's neck + my lips on their pulse. It was the first time since her. I didn't sleep once the entire evening, but it is the closest I have come to falling in love with someone's smell. The closest I have come to thinking that maybe I can get on with out her.
Then I think about this morning - + how I was not panicked at all. I stood, watching the flames, thinking - I can let this go. I can go back to bed now + it will all be over. The pain, the cutting, the hiding out in my apartment lest I see her. It would have been so easy to let it take it's own course and take hold.
Just imagine.
I am still plagued by him. It makes me think of Jennifer and Jack and the way she killed herself. I would do it for him. Because of him. One last time. I will never have him again + I am broken for life.
On Monday night I lay with my nose in someone's neck + my lips on their pulse. It was the first time since her. I didn't sleep once the entire evening, but it is the closest I have come to falling in love with someone's smell. The closest I have come to thinking that maybe I can get on with out her.
Then I think about this morning - + how I was not panicked at all. I stood, watching the flames, thinking - I can let this go. I can go back to bed now + it will all be over. The pain, the cutting, the hiding out in my apartment lest I see her. It would have been so easy to let it take it's own course and take hold.
Just imagine.
BUSSES NO BUSSES.
Some days are better than others.
This morning was one of the "others"
The pit in my stomach - it still hits me in the heart when I wake up and remember that you're gone.
When does it get better?
Have I not healed at all?
Why am I still crying?
I am surrounded by loving friends and it cannot fill this emptiness where you once lay.
After everything that you put me through at the end.
I still miss you more than life itself.
Am I dying slowly?
Or just preparing myself for death itself.
This morning was one of the "others"
The pit in my stomach - it still hits me in the heart when I wake up and remember that you're gone.
When does it get better?
Have I not healed at all?
Why am I still crying?
I am surrounded by loving friends and it cannot fill this emptiness where you once lay.
After everything that you put me through at the end.
I still miss you more than life itself.
Am I dying slowly?
Or just preparing myself for death itself.
BURN.
These hands of hers - hands bound with string
fingers that flow with gold ribbons
the softest of caresses
and the sweetest scent - a glimpse of heaven
milk skin white teeth
white hair - white heart
full of light
and sculpted gaze.
I cannot live like this- you burn me - you blind me.
{I would rather not live, than live without you Chi Chi.]
fingers that flow with gold ribbons
the softest of caresses
and the sweetest scent - a glimpse of heaven
milk skin white teeth
white hair - white heart
full of light
and sculpted gaze.
I cannot live like this- you burn me - you blind me.
{I would rather not live, than live without you Chi Chi.]
CAFFEINE
+ you're waiting for the sun to rise
drag yourself from your bed and the caffeine hit won't hide those bags
you're dragging round town with you
City Centre but you're still feeling alone
enough is enough and you're not it
you're crying yourself to sleep and wasting your time
to love someone who has a frozen heart is still love - all the same
She's the same as she always was when she slit her throat three days ago
Where are you going to sleep tonight?
I know you're craving her sliced arms.
Where are you going to sleep tonight?
You can stitch up the pieces but they'll come back apart
you can't sew fast enough to hold this bitch together.
drag yourself from your bed and the caffeine hit won't hide those bags
you're dragging round town with you
City Centre but you're still feeling alone
enough is enough and you're not it
you're crying yourself to sleep and wasting your time
to love someone who has a frozen heart is still love - all the same
She's the same as she always was when she slit her throat three days ago
Where are you going to sleep tonight?
I know you're craving her sliced arms.
Where are you going to sleep tonight?
You can stitch up the pieces but they'll come back apart
you can't sew fast enough to hold this bitch together.
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